Ethnic Cooking with a Bad Attitude

I work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, plus whatever hours my boss decides she needs me. So, unless I’m quick on my feet and say I have other plans, I always end up working weekends, too.

On weekends, I get to break away from the office work (or lack thereof), and do things like organize her closet, set the table for 30 people (which I always do wrong and it takes 3 attempts.Always. Doesn’t matter how many times I do it, I will screw it up in the eyes of my boss), or, half the time, make the meal for her huge dinner parties.

Quick background on my cooking abilities – I can cook chicken in a pan. Recently I branched out and baked some. I can also boil water.

Last week, I made paella, a Spanish-rice dish, for 40 people. It wouldn’t be such a terrible task, if I was a Spanish housewife in Spain, and worked all day with all of the other housewives in my neighborhood to serve this fantastic meal. Unfortunately, it was just me.

NO ONE, except caterers, maybe, should have to make a meal for 40 people by themselves, and, if they MUST, they should at least be given the opportunity to pick out the goddamn meal themselves. I can make spaghetti. Everyone likes spaghetti. Its easy, it serves a lot of people, its not too difficult, etc.

Paella, on the other hand, made with only organic, fresh ingredients, of course, took me about 6 hours. It included cooking a ton of sausage, 30 chicken-thighs on the bone, which I then had to peel off the bone (because baking boneless chicken breasts while I worked on the rest of the meal simply would have ruined it), peel and pull the tail off 100 shrimp, cut 40 tomatoes, chop 10 onions, slice 30 red peppers, and 4 bundles of garlic.

Meanwhile, my boss comes into “help”, by commenting on the thickness of my red pepper slices, insisting that I get rid of most of the tomato seeds, and arguing with me about the number of onions that belong in the meal. Then she leaves to go get acupuncture and have a steakhouse lunch with her son.

Yesterday, she decided that she wanted to serve Dim Sum at her dinner party for 14. I am a white girl who doesn't cook for others (except spaghetti, as stated above). I am not making Dim Sum! Most Chinese people don’t make Dim Sum! This isn’t brunch in NYC Chinatown! This is an affluent Denver loft… make some orange chicken and lettuce wraps! Idk! You don’t just go and make Dim Sum. And if you must, you do it yourself, bitch. Or, here's a novel idea, hire a caterer!

FML.

Finally, unrelated to cooking but still retarded… she sent me on Friday to send Valentines to her Granddaughters in NYC. Her Valentine consisted of the cheap ones that you buy in the 2^ndgrade, quarter page, pink, says “Happy Valentines Day To: From: " . Maria probably got a bunch of them. And, she included a hair-tie for each girl that had a heart on it. From the dollar store.SHE HAD ME OVERNIGHT THE VALENTINES. $50. For a package worth maybe $1.10.Maybe. I was like, I bet your grandkids would rather get $25 each 1 day late than this shitty Valentine on time. But I bit my tongue and did my job.

And don’t even get my started on the dog groomer drama. I’ll save that for another day.